I once had a friend ask me which bottle of wine is best for eating ass. Short answer is I would suggest a bottle of Barbera from the Piedmont region of Italy, a’sti or a’lba, either one is fine; however, a’lba if you’re more of a fan or tang and a fuller mouth feel and body (the wine, not the ass), The pepper, sharp yet not too sweet fruit flavors, spice, and sometimes a hint of smoke, I feel would compliment the action of throwing your partners legs up in the air, and burying your face in their crack (in what I was imagining is specifically in a sexual favor when asked the question), will continue to remain more classy and sensual for all parties, than say the local grocery stores bottle of Josh. For god sakes, please, don’t bring a bottle of Josh to eat ass. Or do. You can tell the story about your first “threesome”.
see I once did an intermediate sommeliers course, which I did not pass mind you because while I have had and continued to have a massive love for wine, I simply did not even belong with the lower middle pack of wine lovers and educators on their way to the top of the industry. And in all honest good for them to understand terroir of specific varietals better than I honestly ever will; but with such refined palates, I would imagine these individuals would not be the best to answer my friends question above, or even that below.
I was recently asked about group sex by another friend and had I ever participated. Simply put, even the idea of multiple appendages in a moment of lust and pleasure sounds genuinely exhausting, so I have not participated in group sex; unlike my friend who was and still is to this date, an avid explorer of this world and community. And for someone who does not partake in the community I will say I am surprised at the number of people I consider close personal friends, you know the ones who will show up and lean over my open casket and say to one another, “remember St Patrick’s day when climbed over the railing of the Dearborn Bridge to piss off it while yelling, “Look, now there’s three Wilco towers”, ultimately leading to those individuals now staring at my lifeless body in agreeance that I was nowhere near packing a tower in the pleated pants I would be wearing. Spending time with these friends and some other individuals who participate in group sex, from their discussions there seems to be a pattern of ‘setting the mood’ before the main event. For those who are new to the environment, say first timers, I can only imagine that alcohol is heavily imbibed, as what other tool is better for easing the worries and anxiety that may come with having not just one other person see your naked body in compromising positions with uncontrollable noises, but another, and possibly another, and possibly even more. Other downers like opioids and weed seem like a slippery slope unless you are heavily experienced with either. Uppers feel like they would just increase your levels of uneasiness, and I can imagine the one guy coked outta his mind talking about crypto might be asked to leave, so alcohol, right? The elixir that has been easing tensions since its very beginnings.
So if its your first rodeo, so to speak, and alcohol is a choice to lean into, would an individual really choose beer as the route? With the carbonation, low abv, and factor of bloating I can only imagine this is the first option that gets ruled out. Fine, so then a tequila soda or vodka cranberry, hard alcohol is the next choice. I will admit I can put liquor back. Not trying to brag in this, I know very well my own father has an issue with alcoholism but due to his and even my own mothers genes I would say my ability to drink alcohol is well above the average and I can only imagine if you are not an experienced drinker or have a propensity that a single drink can make you feel relaxed, matched with the rush of knowing what the next few hours will look like, I can only imagine one ends up overdoing the hard alcohol, and there one is, over imbibed, resting on hopefully the couch, and unable to preform as the body starts to force itself into shutting down, trying to watch Netflix as noises from the other room are continuing to ruin Ross and Rachels intiment moment.
So maybe lets turn our thoughts to those who preformed group sex as an Olympic sport, right? The Romans and Greeks for decades were known for their orgies and freed choice of body and bodies, and no I am not saying that we should look at their practices with animals and children and slaves, merely their choice of beverage consumed during their “body positive parties”. Wine. The fact that their ‘bartenders’ who dished wine out at parties would add parts or water or take water out of the wine as the party took place, so as to keep its party goers in a constant, perfect state of drunkenness, should atone that wine really is the perfect choice for group sex.
But which wine. That is why I am writing this today. I don’t think this answer is as easy as which one pairs best with your partners anus. That is simple. there is only one factor to take into account there. But group sex has so many more factors. Location, the activities, number of individuals, overall experience and body types galore. So lets say youve been invited over and are looking to make a memorable first impression. After all first impressions are important. When knocking on the door of the location for this activity, which bottles should be in hand ready to wow the party goers?
White Wine:
The easiest option when it comes to drinking, and finding a decent bottle for the price. Right away, if spilled, easy does it on the clean up, and the spill could be even left for later so as to not stop the flow of things. After all, stains are not synonymous with white wine. Immediately though I see a couple issues with white wine and they can lead into one another fairly easily. Lets say you get this invitation to the event night of and its a couple hours away and you realistically only have a couple hours to get to the location. Chances of you getting a bottle of white wine cooled before the event seems low, and arriving and asking if you can chill the bottle in the fridge before the event seems responsible, but from the conversations I have had, the “pre-game” show tends to happen fast and does not take the time it normally takes for a bottle to properly chill. Next, white wine is low ABV. Do you really want to be chugging down glass after glass, increasing your internal liquids so that you can keep your already fading buzz alive? But okay, who cares, lets say you have the bladder of a stallion and can go days without needing to take a piss. With just pure white wine being drunk, one runs into the other issue; whites are acidic in nature. Similar to the issue with beer and its position in your stomach, considering group sex can be, and by god with hopes, physically active, the last thing any individual over the age of mid twenties wants, is even the whisper of acid reflux when thrusting or receiving the thrusting. Feeling like your insides are burning while trying to focus on your own pleasure as well as others feels like one thing not wanted on the mind. Maybe a tums or some preemptive measures can be taken to avoid this, but again, we are not here to talk about “good enough”, we are here to determine great or even the perfect bottles (yes I mean multiple bottles must be brought so everyone can enjoy, don’t be a stingy bastard, shell out a little cash). So then what about less acidic whites. Maybe chardonnays or pinot gris/grigios. Sure these are acceptable options, but I will be the first to say that unless the majority of the party are white women over the age of 40, leave chardonnays off the list as it remains to be the go to wine of an older generation, one who still thinks Kendall-Jackson wine is small batched and made with love and care.
Sparkling Wine:
I know as much as anyone the amount this type of wine is romanticized in books and movies between couples/individuals about to get it on. Youve seen the hot steamy scene of the couple in the bath with a bottle of bubbly in a cooler off to the side. What you don’t see in those intense make-out scenes are the consistent leaning to one side of the others face to release a pent up belch that’s been held down for the past three minutes. Lets get to the point and eliminate champagne or sparkling wine. Again to the whole beer situation, if trying to set oneself and others up for sucsess, adding gas into the body before physical activity I feel should be highly avoided. Don’t believe me? Next time you have any carbonated drink, within 4 to 5 minutes of that drink, go up a flight of stairs quickly, or a jog, or simply in the privacy of your room do some small jumping jacks and tell me you immediately don’t feel unwell.
but what about lighter carbonated wines/ naturally carbonated wines. I feel this comes down to the individuals. remember you’re not buying for yourself but for the group. A drink that can be enjoyed not just before, but also during. While you may be able to handle the bubbles, who is to say someone else in the group feels like a 2 liter of cola with a full pack of mentos dropped in. Sex is messy enough to not have the night ruined by the equivalent of a 5th graders science fair volcano in human form.
Natural and Orange Wines :
Okay, these are becoming ‘big’ recently and I want to start off with the fact a very large percentage of wines are natural wines. At least I should say that those really expensive bottles you are buying with the ‘natural wine’ sticker on them are in fact not a part of the true “natural wine” movement. Do you remember when there was a phase where all vegetable were “organic” because the standards for making something organic were really low, the companies just found out that by sticking the organic label on it, people were willing to shell out another 3 bucks for the same product? No? Oh boy. Just take a quick look into that and you’ll see the same thing happening with a lot of wines and wineries. Lets just say the term ‘Natural Wine’ is incredible ambiguous in this world and the only real way to figure out if the bottle you are about to purchase is with some actual diving into the companies practices, and or going to a respectable store with a proper knowledgeable individual to help you pick out the bottle.
Ranting aside, what I think most people are looking for here is a bottle of wine that is not very ‘main stream’ and or ‘processed’. The Hipsters choice. I have a friend who all she seems to buy are natural wines. And while this is cool to support some small vintners, there is one thing about natural wines that I would be weary of.
Natural wines have a “funk” about them. Damn near all of them really. The reason why is this movement for natural wines has included the idea of keeping particulates in the wine so as to avoid the stigma of “processing” the wine, which leads to some very interesting wines, however the repercussions are and can be unpredictable. These particulates could be left over from the skins or even yeast from the fermentation process and if you think the diluted and processed beer you drink makes you feel bloated, the chances of a wine with a small percent of live yeast still around, chances are you too may feel like a balloon. Sure you may also find a bottle that works well for you and your stomach but once again, we have to take into account other peoples stomachs here. You are buying for the group, not for yourself.
As for Orange wines, lets break that down while also breaking down Rose’s. Real quick rose’s are made from red grapes and orange wines are made from green grapes. What determines their color is the amount of time the skin of the grape has had in contact with the finished product.
So Orange wines are really white wine with skin contact and you can view above for white wine and its reasons. You will still run into similar issues with orange wine as you will with white wine with one key difference. People seem to either absolutely love orange wine or absolutely hate it due to the funk brought on by the skin contact. Take it or leave it, I would steer clear of this option except for possibly one variatal.
Red Wine:
Location is something to think about immediately with this choice. in the 1950’s carpet was taking the US by storm with individuals, referred to as the Baby Boomer generation, making sure that almost all living facilities they purchased or lived in was to be caked with carpet. High pile, low pile, it did not matter, it was the ‘in thing’. While the demographic for carpet is changing, it is still highly prevalent in most modern day buildings that the bedrooms floor be carpeted. Have you ever gotten red wine out of a carpeted floor? Good fucking luck. Given that you are not in control of the others bodies or actions my first thought is all red wines eliminated if any presence of carpet, white or light sheets, expensive blankets pillows rugs, or anything that is difficult to replace should a glass or even a few drops of red wine get on it. Caution must and should be taken here. but one should also question the choices of an individual hosting the event in an environment so prone to being destroyed by a glass of red. However, we are not here to ask questions, we are here for other reasons.
But, okay, you know a little about the location and you know that there are a couple rugs and runners you can simply roll up, exposing the easily, cleanable floors beneath. This should be seen as a Win. Reds have, on average, higher ABV so that will help you keep that consistent buzz you are in need of! It will help suppress that catholic guilt you’re currently feeling and the fact that while you were able to find a group sex situation, you’re still not able to find the individual to love you for who you are and your obsession for all things 80’s. Who knows, maybe the love of your life is in this room right now and you’re just a few moments away from seeing them naked and thinking, “I’ve had exact dreams about those areolas, I have finally found them” or “the way the wrinkles on his sack remind me and are reminiscent of my favorite stone fruits’ pit, the mighty peach”. Take a deep breath, you read this blog post, and have brought the perfect wines for this situation, you are royalty right now and your potential soulmate is looking at you as though cupid just shot an arrow into their ass.
Which red do you bring though. While at the liquor store you saw a sale on Argentinian Merlots. The new hit craze and only 10 dollars a bottle, not bad. But I would suggest against Merlots. They are tasty but tasty sitting down and relaxing. Think a glass for a warm bath and not a glass suitable for quenching your thirst after a decent jog. In fact I would say to avoid any of the full bodied red wines. Are you really about to decant a heavy red before shoving your tongue down presumably a strangers throat? No, that’s third date material. Malbecs, Syrah, Shiraz, Petite-Syrah, and yes the Merlots even though they are on the lightest end of full bodied reds, let them be. Lets remember that the wine I suggested to rim your partner with, is a medium bodied wine, and if that’s enough to get someone over the threshold of tasting and enjoying their partners forbidden star fruit, leave the full bodied wines at home or at the dinner table. Crack something lighter and easier to hang around with.
My mind wanders to the reds that most other cultures think of as light table wines or party wines. Wines that allow a person to drink but also get up and dance. And so first thought goes to Spain. Where individuals the night before running with the bulls will polish back the grenache varietal. Or once again looking back into history, while Rome may no longer exist, the lower parts of Italy look towards the Chiantis with the Sangiovese varietal for their wines to drink and then dance. Grab a bottle of red that is regularly drank by the masses, goes down easy, is inexpensive, and has a history of being held in one hand while the person in a state of bliss moves their legs and hips to music from dusk to dawn. If they can do this, so can you, and so can the others.
So where does this leave us? What are the bottles to bring to group sex? The creme de la creme? Maybe bring a mixture of the below:
Whites:
The idea of throwing back a crispy glass of white mid sex sounds honestly romantic. In a more group setting, the cooling factor of the white wine sounds refreshing and can be done quickly so as to get back into the fold and continue to add a level of participation I can only imagine is expected of oneself in that situation. Lean into a chilled bottle of Pinot Gris/grigio (one that is a little more expensive than 10-15 dollar range so as to avoid the more acidic versions on the market). If so attached to the Orange Wine craze then rip a version of orange wine that is also this varietal. If you are unable to get a chilled bottle, when arriving to the event, ask if you can pop the bottle in the freezer, but first wrap the bottle in a wet paper towel/rag, and toss it into the freezer for about 15 to 20 min. This should cool the bottle down fairly quickly and hopefully it’ll be able to be brought out in time for the festivities. Hopefully you’ll have another bottle or two in order to allow for this chilling grace period. if looking to be fancy and spend a little more, lean into a couple bottles of Grenache Blanc and treat you and the partners to not just a new experience of each others bodies, but a wine not all that well known or enjoyed here in the States. If dealing with an older crowd I guess one could bring a bottle of chardonnay, but personal feelings to the varietal and the making of the wine in California today tends to lead me to the fact that there are simply better options besides a wine known for being the most mass produced and least quality for price.
Sparkling wine:
If you must go with a wine with carbonation because it was requested by an individual who has not learned from personal experience, and there is just not enough time to get them to read this post, shoot for a Lambrusco. An Italian “red” wine with carbonation, It will not only impress the individual asking for the carbonation but the carbonation is low enough that with hopes, it will not be noticed during the physical activities to soon come. Bring other bottles though of non carbonated wines so for the individuals too afraid to say they do not want to end up as a super soaker mid activities, can politely decline the sparkling wine in favor for a bottle with less potential to turn their digestive track into a theme park for their previous meal.
Reds:
A tempranillo varietal from middle of Spain. Spend a little more ,around 15 to 20 dollars a bottle at the very least, (so as to avoid the acidic 9-12 dollar bottles that exist) and the wine will flow endlessly throughout the night. It is easy to drink, sits around the same ABV as cabernet sauvignon, but with honestly a more reliable flavor and taste. this is the wine I would personally recommend the most having actually run a little over a mile on an entire bottle myself (a story for another time).
Chiantis can get pricy for a decent, not too acidic bottle. Look specifically for a bottle that is high in the Sangiovese varietal. After all this is what the vast majority of grape Chiantis use. This way you can have the same grape but most likely for a lower price. Match the tasty bottle with the fact the neck of the bottle most likley has been wrapped with a DOCG or DOC label (steer clear of the IGT label) and an element to the fact that you know your stuff, and not taking this night lightly might be noticed.
Finally, one may say hey, what about a pinot-nior. Sure. I don’t think that it would hurt. Its a light bodied red and has a classic profile all know. But do you really want to show up with the equivalent of a 2005 Toyota Camry for this evening? Go for a French Gamay instead because if its a night of new experiences for you and others possible, shouldn’t new experiences be shared through the whole process?
The ever present fear of red wine on the carpet continues to come to mind though. And sure one can be as safe as possible but sometimes things just get messy. If though there is a fear that cant be overcome here, for that a solution is to be had. buy and bring sippy cups for the event. I can only imagining, given the timeline, you can lean into the bit and add a sense of levity to the whole evening, while also providing the best form of alcohol for said events (not just that but the best versions of that alcohol), you’ll not only be invited back time and time again, but leave a story for the ages. Can you see it now? the conversations had ten years down the road?
“…the night was wild but what was even crazier was that we all had sippy cups so we could keep drinking and not worrying about someone’s reckless thrust costing me my security deposit…”
*anything but chardonnay
Casual Entropy 