Your on the clock. Your lawyer or friend or someone calls you and tells you, you have 3 hours before the police come to your door to arrest you for a crime either you’ve committed or not, but there is a very solid chance you might not get a moment outside of prison ever again. What do you do?
Sure I was high and in the middle of taking a piss that felt amazing, but my brain made mention of this mid stream as some cop show was on tv talking about “so and so going away fpr life” and I just went ‘okay, start the clock’. I then proceeded to do all the things I knew I could in 3-ish hours. And not just the regular stuff. All the things that mattered to me knowing there is a chance I would not be able to do those things again.
And for good reason. This isn’t something you could plan. You wouldn’t have the chance to let people know this is happening except for in the 4 hour marker (I avoided this step so as to not alarm those in my life), and what you have realistically in reach is what is there. Sure, I guess one could get to an airport and buy a ticket and fly but my mind said no to that option, I did not want to actually purchase a ticket to “flee”. Again, mindset was ‘do what matters most to you right now before you can not have it again.
I started by turning the tv off and putting on some music. I love music, always have, but this time around, knowing there would be a chance I would be deprived of music once “brought in”, it was just easy. Some playlist I normally play, but to me it didn’t matter. Just having it on in the background I knew would be nice. Next, it was off to the kitchen. It was early evening and I had yet to eat and knew I needed to make dinner. Considering I love cooking my brain knew that this was a love. but I had of course only what I had previously bought that week and was near the end of my shopping supply. Not much was in the fridge and not much was in dry storage but that felt strangely nice and somehow wonderful. Sometimes when after a large grocery shopping trip to set myself up for many weeks, I can get overwhelmed with what to cook myself or that sometimes plans might not go accordingly. For instance getting a whole chicken from a local butcher and realizing the night I wanted to spend a couple hours to cook it, a friend of mine would invite me over for games or food; ultimately putting off my chicken being roasted.
I found 3/4’s of a packet of fettuccine noodles in dry storage and two frozen sausages in my freezer from a butcher near by. Grabbing garlic, red pepper flakes, olive oil and the last of a tube of anchovy paste I had in the fridge I did my self up a quick Italian pasta dish. I think the high end chorizo sausage links might have made any true Italian turn their nose up at me, but the garlic and pepper flakes were true to the pan sauce I made and it was lovely. Platting my food, looking at my timer, I had a little less than 2 and a half hours left. Not bad. I proceeded to sit in my favorite chair at my table, yes I think most people have one spot or a couple in their houses or rooms where it is undeniably your favorite to be. My brain thought, well there is a bottle of wine I had been saving for a special occasion, so I headed quickly to my storage room in the basement of my condo complex, and I pulled it out. No better time than now after all. Drinking my bottle of wine and eating that meal, music in the background I was loving every moment.
But I was realizing something I would have also loved to have there. I would consider myself an extrovert to an extent. And genuinely I knew that if I were to be taken into custody on a specific day, the cops would show up to an out of control party where I would have had to been shuffled away from family and friends. But living by my own set rules, I did not have time to contact anyone. Sure I think if it were a real situation a few phone calls would have some people swing by for a meal and some wine. I just had to make a mental note that I do enjoy people in my life and the company and hosting.
So I settled for the closet I could get. I wrote a letter. One that could be read that highlighted those in my life that I loved and wanted to let them know their importance to me. I truly was having a hard time writing down each and every person and it got me thinking about those who do their wills. How do you tell people in your life how much they impacted you. I know that is not what wills are meant for, really, but I guess how does one go about telling each person who has helped shape their lives how much they mean. I would hope those who have passed through mine know, and maybe I should be better at letting them know now so they don’t ever question what influence they had.
After my letter and food, with half a bottle of wine left, and an hour and twenty-ish minutes left, I cleaned my apartment. And I mean I did everything. I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen immediately, I picked up the living room and watered the plants, I even did a load of laundry and put new sheets on the bed. I didn’t want to leave my apartment dirty. Not for my roommate or even family if they came over after I was taken. I was never one to keep a spotless room, still am not, but my mind could not handle the idea of leaving anyone else my or even just a mess to clean up. And I guess that speaks as to who I am on a deeper level. If anything I don’t want to leave other people my mess in any instance. I have spent time cleaning up others messes, and I don’t mind it, sure I do not prefer it. But its just something I don’t want to do to others.
I finished off the bottle of wine while showering and cleaning myself finally, in a newly clean apartment, and listening to an Oscar Peterson Trio album I put on. I spent the last 5 minutes sitting on my couch, a solid buzz between the weed and the wine, and just took in my apartment. I truly loved the way my apartment looked, smelled, its temperature, and its contents. I realized I have over the years curated a place I truly feel I belong and am comfortable in. Sure, I thought about how I should have gone outside and walked around a little, after all I love the outdoors and walking, but the cleaning took more time than I was hoping and I really wanted to ensure that was done.
And then my phones alarm went off, cutting off the middle of a song I love, and I got anxious as I looked immediately at my door. Waiting for the sound of a fist to pound against the door asking to open up so I could be taken into custody. After all, I had spent the last three hours living in the world where this was supposed to happen.
But it didn’t happen. Nothing happened except my phones alarm still making noise over my speakers. I silenced the alarm, the song came back on, and I still stared at the door, just waiting.
I don’t think I could actually every be ready. nor do I think most people should try this. I would especially suggest against it if you are prone to any form of anxiety. But of course when I was at a developmental age I heard an Allen Watts lecture on Death and how individuals should imagine their own deaths. In doing so when the individual realizes they are in fact not dead but alive, that thought process brings new renewed energy back to oneself. Of course I am paraphrasing here but he used the terms that the thought process can act as a fertilizer to ones garden of life. So why wouldn’t I try something similar.
It took me about 30 more minutes to calm down. And really calm down. I must have opened and closed the door two to three times to make sure no one was actually on the other side. And I am sure the edible high and bottle of wine did me no favors. And I took that walk. It was dark and cold, a late fall night. But I made sure I put in several blocks that night. The cool air had a relaxing effect I think some people can say they too have experienced. Whether your body is hot or your mind, cool dry air does something magical to the blood.
I don’t think I learned anything profound by this little thought and physical experiment. I did what I do most nights. Except that I did not use my phone or TV the way I sometimes do. I didn’t even use books as a distraction. I did some things to me that were the most important. I wine and dined myself, tried to let others know how much I loved them and how much they meant to me, and cleaned to make sure I was not a burden on others.
Maybe next time I do something I wouldn’t normally do. Maybe next time I make sure not to get high before.
*I forgot about the letter I wrote until a couple days later when I was putting away clothes in my room. I was smart in at least putting it away because re-reading it a couple days later, I could see how given a random friend or roommate might think it has the makings of a suicide letter. Course missing all the parts of wanting to die or not being happy, but more of thanking those in my life for allowing my the happiness I have had in it. What surpsied me was I forgot I wrote on the front of the envelope, “do not throw, please read”.
Casual Entropy 
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