Broken Branch

The most peculiar thing happens when you tell people you don’t want children. First their head tilts slightly to the side. You know, the way puppy dogs do when they see something that interests them but they are not sure what it is exactly is they are looking at. The next phrase out of their mouth tends to be something along the lines of “are you not able to” or “you mean right now?” or even “that’s a joke, right?” or, and this one has been fairly new given my relationship status “do you not love our daughter?”

The idea that love can be predicated on having a child with another person astounds me, especially when coming from individuals who have at that moment been divorced for longer than they were together with their partner. Sadly though, a part of me can understand some of these peoples points of view when stating this. Having a child with another individual is the most base action of being a human being. Continuing the legacy by mixing genetic code. But again, when it comes from certian people, once you add the factor of your divorce from the individual you shared children with, then can you really use the argument of not loving the other by not having children with them?

I know that I am not 100% on not having a child. I would say I am around 97% sure. And its not that I don’t think that I couldn’t give that child or kid a father that would be proud and loving of them. I know that part I could accomplish i That to me is the easy part. The hard part is everything else around right now. I know its a little cheap to be blaming the world, but I have not felt confident about this planet since I was in the 8th grade. Match that up with the fact I have never really wanted children and that’s how one gets close to the 97% I am at. A lot that is not in my control would have to change for there to be a chance of me changing my mind. Let alone reversing the visectomy I got.

I will say that my siblings having multiple children, my brother and sister haveing just had their second child each, entering our gorwing and loving families and relationships, makes this lifestyle of mine all that much easier. I can be the fun uncle. The one who helps provide for the children already in my life. But for some strange reason, still, a lot of people find it hard to understand. How could I not want a house full of little ones running around?

By now I have had a long time of answering most of peoples questions. Especially those who are driven about changing my mind. Which is interesting because it tends to come from those who:

A) Have not done all that great of a job raising their current children they have.

B) Do not have any children.

C) Whose relationships with their family, partner, and or others, are shaky/strained, at best.

And I think that it has taken me a while to learn that maybe the reason they are so driven to get me to have a child is because they themselves have this idea of what a child does. That this mythical idea of a perfect child, relationship with child, or want to have raised a great child, is what pushes them still.

And I think only now am I starting to realize that when I tell someone that I do not plan on having a child, most will do their best to turn the conversation into a form of an argument, something I do enjoy, rather than just a conversation. But that too is starting to change.

I recently had this discussion with a person I know who is raising their child, in a loving relationship, and when I told them I was not wanting children they said to me, “That’s sad, I think you would make a great dad, you have a lot to share. But I get it, not everyone wants a kid.”

And that was the end of the discussion. He did not need to pry as to why, or have to understand every point I was trying to make, or say to me that I will regret this decision for life. But heard me fully, and simply understood.

I am happy though that I am starting to realize things in my life are not needing to be arguments to be won or lost. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I think its maybe our best action as a human, to try and change someone’s mind when it is not agreeable with our own. But somehow there is a shift that when your life is on track and you are feeling complete, the want to change a persons mind softens and the need falls by the way side. You can simply say you get them and move on.

So who knows. Maybe in 10 years from now things will have changed enough children can be a thing in my life. Or that having a child while may not be my life goal may be my partners in lifes goal. And that does not mean I should not be a part of it some way. Espeically considering I would do everything to help raise that child.

I guess I just hope that if anyone ends up reading this and too wonders if its okay to not want children because of any reason that I say it is. A total random stranger who you do not know. But a stranger who can say they get it. They understand where you may be in your mind. That you are not alone and that, what can at times feel like an endless barrage of individuals hounding you over your choice may never stop. But maybe just listen to them and do with that what you want. Not feel as thought it is an attack to you thought it may feel like it. But also if you are stead fast to not fall to those who want to argue with you about it. To instead understand their motives are simply different.

*while writting this my brother had is second child. I met my new nephew and my brother nammed him after my. First and middle name. His chidlren now have the names of him and me. Brothers who will grow up with brothers. It is the deepest honor I have and feel like I will ever receive.